happy birthday

the dawn of another year

delivers itself

wrapped in a package 

of quantitative measurement,

a specific set of decades

(three and one half, to be exact)

an undeniable doorway into a very new place

the sign overhead blinks “enter at your own risk”,

which is a laughable joke

because you have no choice,

you have to enter despite the risk.

it’s the only door there is.

and there you are, 

on the other side.

i’m there already 

and i see you  

in your slightly ill-fitting 

but somehow perfect

brown suit

leaning away from your table

legs wide apart

one arm draped over the top of an empty chair,

a proud statement about the collection of time.

maybe the chair’s occupant has disappeared from this room

and into another

twisting her curls

glossing her lips

making sure she matches your beauty.

you’ve thoughtfully placed your arm on the chair’s back

so she knows, when she returns

that she has a place beside you to belong.

maybe there is no she, 

no chair’s occupant,

and you drape your arm just so

to reserve a place in the world, in your life,

for something else. 

something else that you want to belong.

either way, 

there you are.

and i see you. 

the beautiful gold of your eyes 

seduces more completely than you realize.

the ghosts of Parisian past

can’t help but find you

can’t help but crave your company and affection.

and you see them.

every writer and artist and thinker

has found their way to you 

in your brown suit 

on your three- and- one- half- decades day.

a staggering beauty sits down in your empty chair

she wants to remind you that life is to be had, 

even though she can’t see hers yet. 

you do, though,

and you see her as she really exists,

sensual and still,

yet devoid of what it is you most crave.

but today

it doesn’t matter

today is a day of measurement 

a day of entering at your own risk

and you accept that,

with a playful smile

and a happy heart.

***

I dreamt this for you before your departure

because this is what i wanted to give you

this is how i wanted to see you, 

and now 

this is how i will remember you

in your slightly ill-fitting brown suit 

with your arm draped across an empty chair 

reserving a space for whatever is missing. 

acf

dreams caught (2)

i love when vampires visit me.

don’t get excited (or horrified)-

the visits are embarrassingly rated PG.

they simply sit with me.

i enjoy their company because

worrying about one soul

is work enough.

acf

9.18.11

dreams caught (1)

last night i dreamt of you

the way the cuff of your pants rests at your ankle,

brushing the top of your shoe

just a few millimeters too high.

I wonder, but can’t ask, if you can feel that. 

acf

9.16.11

in 10 years

in 10 years,

i’ve had my heart broken 3 times, dented a 4th and 5th

i’ve lived in 4 apartments, in 2 states

with 7 different roommates

i’ve studied 3 kinds of spiritual practice

been in the presence of The Dalai Lama twice

and followed the advice of 1 spiritual psychic

i’ve voted in 2 presidential elections

and elected the winning candidate 1 time

i’ve celebrated 1 birthday with a date

9 without

10 in the company of good friends

i’ve survived all 10 holiday seasons alone

and kissed 3 men on new years eve-

two of whom were strangers

i’ve worked in 4 different schools

been promoted 3 times 

and almost tripled my yearly income

i’ve gone through 2 yoga teacher trainings

and earned 1 Masters degree

i’ve become an aunt twice

i’ve married 1 couple

i’ve traveled outside of the country 1 time

inside the country 5 or 6

i’ve broken 0 bones

but did herniate 1 disk

i’ve spent approximately $120,000 on rent

but have still managed to build a shoe collection numbering near 30 pairs, 

i regularly wear about 12 of them

and have never worn 2

i’ve lost 15 pounds, dropped 2 clothing sizes, and 1 bra size

i’ve had 5 different hairstyles

and 3 different hairstylists

i’ve had 0 valentines

0 kisses under mistletoe

0 romantic weekends away

0 love letters

0 hugs at the door at the end of the day

0 dates to my own parties

i’ve gotten 6 tattoos

planted 6 gardens

and received flowers from a lover 1 time

i’ve taught about 150 kids

read 100’s of books

but can only remember about 20 of them

i’ve ridden the NYC subway system more than 3,000 times

have had at least 4,000 cups of coffee

and probably just as many beers

i’ve had 3 email addresses

been on 5 dating websites

met 2 men i liked on them

0 turned into anything worth mentioning

i’ve been to 2 therapists

who taught me nothing about myself

i’ve spent well over 117,000 minutes in yoga poses

completed about 10,000 sun salutations

1,000 headstands

4,000 heart openers

and millions of ujjayi breaths

i’ve dropped the f-bomb over 11,000 times

and regretted it just twice

i’ve been in love 4 times

was loved back only once

and twice turned down possible love to protect someone else 

i’ve seen every female friend i have, except 2, coupled off

i’ve had 2 friends elope

counseled 2 friends to leave their husbands

witnessed 0 friends get divorced

i’ve been joyous at the birth of 10 babies

i’ve grieved the death of 1 grandparent

1 family dog

and countless dreams

i’ve aged 10 years

look 10 years younger than i am

and don’t know how many years i feel

acf

9.11.11