Sunday, September 25, 2011

happy birthday

the dawn of another year
delivers itself
wrapped in a package 
of quantitative measurement,
a specific set of decades
(three and one half, to be exact)
an undeniable doorway into a very new place
the sign overhead blinks “enter at your own risk”,
which is a laughable joke
because you have no choice,
you have to enter despite the risk.
it’s the only door there is.
and there you are, 
on the other side.
i’m there already 
and i see you  
in your slightly ill-fitting 
but somehow perfect
brown suit
leaning away from your table
legs wide apart
one arm draped over the top of an empty chair,
a proud statement about the collection of time.
maybe the chair’s occupant has disappeared from this room
and into another
twisting her curls
glossing her lips
making sure she matches your beauty.
you’ve thoughtfully placed your arm on the chair’s back
so she knows, when she returns
that she has a place beside you to belong.
maybe there is no she, 
no chair’s occupant,
and you drape your arm just so
to reserve a place in the world, in your life,
for something else. 
something else that you want to belong.
either way, 
there you are.
and i see you. 
the beautiful gold of your eyes 
seduces more completely than you realize.
the ghosts of Parisian past
can’t help but find you
can’t help but crave your company and affection.
and you see them.
every writer and artist and thinker
has found their way to you 
in your brown suit 
on your three- and- one- half- decades day.
a staggering beauty sits down in your empty chair
she wants to remind you that life is to be had, 
even though she can’t see hers yet. 
you do, though,
and you see her as she really exists,
sensual and still,
yet devoid of what it is you most crave.
but today
it doesn’t matter
today is a day of measurement 
a day of entering at your own risk
and you accept that,
with a playful smile
and a happy heart.
I dreamt this for you before your departure
because this is what i wanted to give you
this is how i wanted to see you, 
and now 
this is how i will remember you
in your slightly ill-fitting brown suit 
with your arm draped across an empty chair 
reserving a space for whatever is missing. 


Sunday, September 18, 2011

dreams caught (2)

i love when vampires visit me.
don’t get excited (or horrified)-
the visits are embarrassingly rated PG.
they simply sit with me.
i enjoy their company because
worrying about one soul
is work enough.


Friday, September 16, 2011

dreams caught (1)

last night i dreamt of you
the way the cuff of your pants rests at your ankle,
brushing the top of your shoe
just a few millimeters too high.
I wonder, but can’t ask, if you can feel that. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

in 10 years

in 10 years,
i’ve had my heart broken 3 times, dented a 4th and 5th
i’ve lived in 4 apartments, in 2 states
with 7 different roommates
i’ve studied 3 kinds of spiritual practice
been in the presence of The Dalai Lama twice
and followed the advice of 1 spiritual psychic
i’ve voted in 2 presidential elections
and elected the winning candidate 1 time
i’ve celebrated 1 birthday with a date
9 without
10 in the company of good friends
i’ve survived all 10 holiday seasons alone
and kissed 3 men on new years eve-
two of whom were strangers
i’ve worked in 4 different schools
been promoted 3 times 
and almost tripled my yearly income
i’ve gone through 2 yoga teacher trainings
and earned 1 Masters degree
i’ve become an aunt twice
i’ve married 1 couple
i’ve traveled outside of the country 1 time
inside the country 5 or 6
i’ve broken 0 bones
but did herniate 1 disk
i’ve spent approximately $120,000 on rent
but have still managed to build a shoe collection numbering near 30 pairs, 
i regularly wear about 12 of them
and have never worn 2
i’ve lost 15 pounds, dropped 2 clothing sizes, and 1 bra size
i’ve had 5 different hairstyles
and 3 different hairstylists
i’ve had 0 valentines
0 kisses under mistletoe
0 romantic weekends away
0 love letters
0 hugs at the door at the end of the day
0 dates to my own parties
i’ve gotten 6 tattoos
planted 6 gardens
and received flowers from a lover 1 time
i’ve taught about 150 kids
read 100’s of books
but can only remember about 20 of them
i’ve ridden the NYC subway system more than 3,000 times
have had at least 4,000 cups of coffee
and probably just as many beers
i’ve had 3 email addresses
been on 5 dating websites
met 2 men i liked on them
0 turned into anything worth mentioning
i’ve been to 2 therapists
who taught me nothing about myself
i’ve spent well over 117,000 minutes in yoga poses
completed about 10,000 sun salutations
1,000 headstands
4,000 heart openers
and millions of ujjayi breaths
i’ve dropped the f-bomb over 11,000 times
and regretted it just twice
i’ve been in love 4 times
was loved back only once
and twice turned down possible love to protect someone else 
i’ve seen every female friend i have, except 2, coupled off
i’ve had 2 friends elope
counseled 2 friends to leave their husbands
witnessed 0 friends get divorced
i’ve been joyous at the birth of 10 babies
i’ve grieved the death of 1 grandparent
1 family dog
and countless dreams
i’ve aged 10 years
look 10 years younger than i am
and don’t know how many years i feel