mother & son (a repost & a hope for my future)

I witnessed something beautiful today. I arrived for Mysore practice around 4:30 and two of my teachers were there- Barbara to practice and Carla to assist those of us practicing. There was one empty mat, which belonged to Barbara's young son, Worcana. He was stalled for quite some time in the bathroom, doing whatever boys of 7 or 8 do in bathrooms for that long. Barbara was patiently waiting for a time and eventually decided to begin her practice. And I began mine- mat down, opening dedications made, ujjayi breath established. When Worcana came out of the bathroom, he hopped a little boy's hop onto his mat and began Surya Namaskar A. Carla talked him through a couple and he bent and folded and jumped with the ease of the unburdened body. It was, as it always is, sweet to see his pleasure.

And then Barbara stopped her practice, she was perhaps 6 or 7 poses in, and began to repeat them. And mother and son began moving through the poses together, she teaching him to respect, to cherish, each one, he smiling with a delight not often seen in the Mysore room. I couldn't help but sneak glances through my own bent and twisted limbs. Mother and child. Practicing together. The mother graceful and serene, the son giggling with joy. Both honoring the other's way.

I was reminded during this practice of something I read recently in Shadows of the Path, by Abdi Assadi. He has an entire chapter dedicated to romantic relationships and their connection to, and necessity in, spiritual growth. But there are just ten words in that chapter that have stayed in my ears and they are the words I heard with every stolen glance and childhood giggle.

Most of us consciously yearn for union with another person.

This is why we fall in love. This is why we have best friends. This is why we parent children. This is why we go to happy hour with co-workers. This is why we join churches or book clubs or running groups. And this is why we practice yoga in yoga centers. It's why we choose to, sometimes without grace, move our bodies into unusual, often unflattering, positions, let other people's sweat splash onto our mat, forgive farts and bad breath, and lie still, with our eyes closed, vulnerable on our backs, surrounded by countless strangers. It's the union that I witnessed between mother and child that was so beautiful. And by my mere glancing, I found a small part in it.

these dreams

Recently, I have been having very strange dreams. Dreams of not satisfying the requirements of my job and being scolded, and humiliated, very publicly by co-workers. Dreams of making poor decisions that lead to my youngest niece being in the care of a stranger, thereby being forbidden to ever see her again. Dreams of putting all my belongings curbside to sell and then refusing to sell anything to anyone. I thought these dreams were about fear of failure, which is not something I’ve spent much time grappling with in my life. I’m pretty comfortable fucking up and not being perfect. 

With the help of some wise people, I came to realize that these dreams were about loss and the deeply-rooted self-blame we all somehow seem to attach to it. I don’t think we even know we are doing it. It seems like, as humans, we are quick to blame external forces for everything. We lose our phones, it’s because our bag is just too packed full of stuff. We lose our friends, it’s because everyone is busy. We lose our jobs, it’s because the economy is in the toilet. We lose our shit in traffic, it’s because that guy in front of us was talking on the phone. But deep down, we feel it as our loss. We are frustrated with ourselves for having a messy bag. We feel guilty that we didn’t call that friend more often. We wonder if we would have made it through lay-offs if we had been just a little more friendly at lunch. And truth be told, we were also talking on the phone in traffic.  

Recently in class, a student asked “why do we do inversions? what is their benefit?” After listing out all the physical benefits, I paused. There is more. There is more than just nourishment to brain, strengthening the pituitary and pineal glands, releasing the effects of gravity on our internal organs, and relieving constipation (yes, that’s right).   Inversions are also about taking risks.  They literally turn us upside down and make us very, very vulnerable. Many people hold back from inversions simply because they are afraid. I can rock some pretty cool inversions, but to this day, I am unable to do a forearm stand without the knowledge of a wall behind me because once, once, like six years ago, I fell over. And I really mean knowledge of the wall. I rarely even touch it, I just need to know it is there. 

And so I began to wonder. Perhaps these dreams are about fear of loss. Of having good things in life, like work and family and belongings, and losing them to something unknown, the blame for which I have somehow internalized, somehow owned. 

***

As a Yogi, my first go-to when exploring something like a series of distressing dreams, is The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Sutra 15 in Book 2 reads:

To one of discrimination, everything is painful indeed, due to its consequences: the anxiety and fear over losing what is gained; the resulting impressions left in the mind to create renewed cravings. 

What I love most about spiritual teachings, is their resurfacability. We learn them, study them, live them, and then we tuck them away into the corners of our worldview. But, here and there, they creep out, dust themselves off, polish up their usefulness, and remind us that we have the tools to do what we need to do in life. 

Suffering was manifesting itself through my dreams. I needed to understand this suffering. I turned to Yoga, a practice in which I find great meaning and comfort and, there it all was. Everything I needed to make sense of the dreams, everything I needed to make them stop. And they have. 

i would drink from the fountain of youth

Let me respectfully remind you, 

life and death

are of supreme importance.

Time swiftly passes by

and opportunity is lost.

Each of us should strive to 

    awaken.

Awaken!

Take heed:

Do not squander your life.

--The Evening Gatha

i would drink from the fountain of youth

not to live forever

but to slow the passing of days

another day gone

and today i didn’t feel the touch of a lover’s embrace

another day gone

and today i didn’t hear my niece’s voice, a sound that makes my heart weep

another day gone

and today i didn’t feel the sun warming my face or the breeze rustling my hair

another day gone

and today i didn’t tell anyone i love them, not even myself

i would drink from the fountain of youth

not to live forever

but to have enough time to figure out if i am really living at all

this day and yesterday

and the one before that

did i live them?

or did i just exist in them?

i would drink from the fountain of youth

because one lifetime cannot possibly be enough

thirty eight years of searching

looking for my truth

thirty eight years of aging

maybe i already had my drink

i have been blessed with a youthful way

the table of women near me in a restaurant last night

although we were born in the same year

looked a decade too old

hair and body and clothes and conversations meant for older women

women of an age i do not feel 

where was their sensuality

their zest and flair

drinking wine and eating previously frozen pie 

complaining about the men at home they seem no longer to love 

the children who seem only to get in the way

laughing at their common disappointments

i wonder

have they found their truth?

have they lived today

or do they just exist, too?

yes, i would drink from the fountain of youth

sip, slurp, gulp

i would let it flow over me

into my pores 

through my hair

over my breasts

and between my legs

and i would look for my truth in the water streaming away

carrying skin cells and hairs and dirt from the day

i would collect it and drink that too

giving my self back to myself

a gift from the past

to relive and discard

again and again

so that time never has to move forward

dreams caught (8)

the worst part is that I move so slowly
I should be frightened
     by the thousand pounding fists
     by the thousand screaming voices

but I just lazily roll over
as if coaxed by a lover's touch
     by his warm breath along my neck
     by his warm hand along my thigh

MOVEMOVEMOVE

when I awake I am already sitting
in darkness
panting with fear
   

dreams caught (7)

the road split

lifted by a thunderous roar

a stranger’s arms wrapping my waist,

so completely his hands met again at my back

pulling me

my heels dragging

my nails digging

my mouth sobbing

yelling

more afraid of leaving 

than of the hole that appeared

keys

some people have key rings filled with keys- heavy, jingly, bulging, obtrusive keys.
i cannot imagine how so many keys are necessary.
what could they possibly open?

the back door to a secret lover's house...
the never opened lock box filled with ancestral betrayals...
the fence erected to protect azaleas from roaming critters...
the shed that provides escape from and escape to...
the gateway to an imaginary land, ruled by dragons...

i am down to three keys.
only two serve any purpose, function as necessities in my daily life
car
house
the third locks something forgotten, but i can't seem to throw it away.
what if, someday, i find the lock, and behind it are all the joys i have been missing?
or, perhaps, some day, i will discover that this key will seal the lock on all the places i no longer need to visit.

key rings fill as lives fill, empty as lives simplify.
they are a collection of meaning, evidence of the complexities and intricacies of our daily lives,
evidence of existence, of living in a world valuable enough to lock.

the crazies

Change is coming. Birds are hatching, animals are being born. Grass is growing and flowers are budding. People are falling in and out of love, having babies they have waited a long time for and babies they never planned on, changing jobs, changing careers, changing from coats to jackets. Change is thrilling and it is foreboding. It requires effort, whether to make the change or to continue to live despite it. Change is necessary, yet terrifying. We simultaneously look for it and avoid it. 

I am leaving NYC in just a few months. Leaving my home of 10 years, my job of 8, my friends of what feels like one lifetime in a lifetime of many. Leaving my practice, my teachers, my ways of living. The choice to leave comes from a deep unsettling, the knowledge that stagnation has set, the path has been laid, for all its glories and defeats, and though my feet valiantly carry my heart, no limb or organ is truly satisfied. It’s time to shake things up. 

A brief sutra lesson: The first book of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali (written about 2000 years ago) is called Samadhi Pada. It is a guide book to samadhi, the ultimate goal and final limb of yoga.  Think liberation, freedom from the mind’s limitations and controls. The very second Sutra says “yogas citta vrtti nirodhah”. It teaches us that to reach samadhi, we must still the “mind’s stuff”, the crazies, if you will. So, Patanjali is telling us that to reach liberation from the crazies of the mind, we must first still the mind through yoga. 

As humans, we are actually naturally inclined to do this. We get our thoughts together before we make decisions. We take deep breaths, count to ten, make lists. We establish order in the mind. Stilling the mind-stuff, in the way Patanjali taught, takes this natural human condition further. Keep a still mind to reach liberation from all potential disquiet. To keep a still mind, concentrate on one-pointedness. Disallow distractions or interference. Refuse the crazies. 

So, let’s get this straight. To reach samadhi, one must practice yoga through cultivating one-pointedness of the mind, thereby disallowing any of the crazies of the human mind to interfere. A kind of keep-your-eyes-on-the-prize mentality.  

A story... 

There was once a family man who, in order to provide for his wife and children, did not rule out harming others. He felt justified in this, as he was taking care of those he loved, and he assumed that the ramifications of his harmful ways (karma) belonged only to him. When a great sage became his intended victim, he was suddenly faced with the insight that his family would suffer the same ramifications of harming others as he. This scared the man- he wanted his wife and children to have pure karma- so he asked the great sage for help.  He was instructed to set aside all of his worldly duties- fatherhood, marriage, provider- and focus his mind solely on Ram. The man did this and eventually, through single-mindedness, cleansed his karma and his family’s karma and became, in his own right, a revered visionary of Rama. 

A lovely story of cultivating a still and tranquil mind through the pure concentration on one thing of importance, in this case, the worship of Ram. He kept his eyes on the prize, didn’t allow for interference, and he and his loved ones were all the better for it. 

But what happened to everything else? What happened to the man’s family? Who took care of them while he was cultivating his mind? Who cared for his wife and brought food to his children? What happened to all the worldly stuff he was responsible for and invested in? 

If we are to still the mind’s stuff through a single-pointedness of the mind, what happens to everything else? If my intention with moving, my prize, is a good job and all my attentions go there, what happens to everything else? If my prize is to fall in love and all my attentions go there, what happens to everything else? If my prize is to be the best yogi I can be and all my attentions go there, what happens to everything else?  If we live a singular life, what of the rest?  Where does single-mindedness end and stagnation begin? 

dreams caught (6)

a stranger 

your hand

the stranger 

the lines and creases

the curve of knuckles

the split of cuticles

a roughness catching on fibers

making me startle

a stranger 

yet there it lies

arched around my knee

mother and son (repost & a hope for my future)

I witnessed something beautiful today. I arrived for Mysore practice around 4:30 and two of my teachers were there- Barbara to practice and Carla to assist those of us practicing. There was one empty mat, which belonged to Barbara's young son, Worcana. He was stalled for quite some time in the bathroom, doing whatever boys of 7 or 8 do in bathrooms for that long. Barbara was patiently waiting for a time and eventually decided to begin her practice. And I began mine- mat down, opening dedications made, ujjayi breath established. When Worcana came out of the bathroom, he hopped a little boy's hop onto his mat and began Surya Namaskar A. Carla talked him through a couple and he bent and folded and jumped with the ease of the unburdened body. It was, as it always is, sweet to see his pleasure.

And then Barbara stopped her practice, she was perhaps 6 or 7 poses in, and began to repeat them. And mother and son began moving through the poses together, she teaching him to respect, to cherish, each one, he smiling with a delight not often seen in the Mysore room. I couldn't help but sneak glances through my own bent and twisted limbs. Mother and child. Practicing together. The mother graceful and serene, the son giggling with joy. Both honoring the other's way.

I was reminded during this practice of something I read recently in Shadows of the Path, by Abdi Assadi. He has an entire chapter dedicated to romantic relationships and their connection to, and necessity in, spiritual growth. But there are just ten words in that chapter that have stayed in my ears and they are the words I heard with every stolen glance and childhood giggle.

Most of us consciously yearn for union with another person.

This is why we fall in love. This is why we have best friends. This is why we parent children. This is why we go to happy hour with co-workers. This is why we join churches or book clubs or running groups. And this is why we practice yoga in yoga centers. It's why we choose to, sometimes without grace, move our bodies into unusual, often unflattering, positions, let other people's sweat splash onto our mat, forgive farts and bad breath, and lie still, with our eyes closed, vulnerable on our backs, surrounded by countless strangers. It's the union that I witnessed between mother and child that was so beautiful. And by my mere glancing, I found a small part in it.

dreams caught (5)

you’re with me, but i don’t know you

i should

and i want to

but i can’t place your name or your face

i don’t recognize your smile or the sound of your voice

but the outline of you i know

the essence of who you are

and what you might represent

these i know

i have lived in this dream before

this dream of you and i talking

speaking of familiar and mundane things

as if you are a part of my everyday 

and i am your most trusted companion

but even as i manage to keep 

up my end of the conversation

i am really only thinking about,

wondering,

who you are

and why you are here

and where you will go when i awake

the other direction

When the fearless step comes calling

You’ll be ready if you listen

To the voice heard in prayer

To a steady invitation

And though times may be hard

And the week behind was painful

He won't ask us to shoulder

A weight too much to carry

-Stuart Murdoch, Another Saturday

I don’t believe in God. Not in the man-in-the-sky kind of way. I don’t believe in one magnificent power who creates and destroys, who determines our fate, judges our rights and wrongs.  It's the practical side of me (which is most of me, actually) that just can't see any one being, no matter how omniscient and supernatural, being able to effectively manage that many people. It's just too big a task.

What I do believe is that there are forces beyond our capacity to understand; we, as a collective human race, haven’t the brain capability yet.  Perhaps those forces reside within us (as the Buddha taught) or perhaps those forces come in various forms (as with Hinduism). Maybe the Native Americans and Wiccans have it right; God exists in nature itself. I can't prove any of it right or wrong, and, after many years of questioning, I've decided not to care about that anymore.  I've reached an agreement with myself to let whatever exists exist. All I'm committing to is the possibility.

I was introduced to spirituality through yoga, which, incidentally I tried begrudgingly simply because of the rumored spirituality. I wanted no part of it. But, as with most things important to the Self, I ended up having no choice. I went because I wanted the exercise, I kept going because I felt something I had never felt before.

Very soon after my first yoga class, I found myself telling the teacher how much I felt myself changing. I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. Very soon after that, I found myself in more intense yoga classes, learning about the Buddha’s teachings and studying mindfulness. And again, I was struck with disbelief at the thoughts in my mind and the words in my mouth. Very soon after that, I found myself in a yoga teacher training. And then another. And now I find myself singing to Krishna and Ganesha everyday, wishing I had learned better how to pray, and wondering if I need to know more fully who or what I should pray to.

I sing to Krishna because I find him inspiring. You could say I kind of have a crush on him. He is wise and patient and honest. In the story of the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna lets Arjuna, the troubled warrior he is conversing with, make his own decisions, come to his own conclusions. He simply illuminates the choices, so we can find our own way. Much like Jesus, Krishna offered his own love for God as proof of God’s existence. He, himself, was committed and he offered this commitment as an opportunity for others.  

I sing to Ganesha because he is the remover, and sometimes placer, of obstacles.  His job is to clear the road for us. Or, if the road is the wrong one, he might throw something in the way so we can no longer travel down it. He forces us to stop, re-evaluate, and turn around. Whether or not Ganesha or Krishna exist is not something I care to decide. I merely appreciate the possibility.

Recently, I find myself wondering things like, Why can’t I just catch a break? or When will it be my turn? or How much weight can even the strongest of people carry before it causes lasting injury? I have been wondering if Ganesha is responsible for the newest of my struggles. And, if he is, what is he trying to tell me?  Don’t mistake- I’m not a yogi who is grateful for suffering because it allows for practice. I’m tired from that and am ready to practice in joy. I’m trying to listen, trying to find truth, but, if I am to be truthful, I am quite frustrated with Ganesha’s meddling.  

So, what do we do when the road that seems obstacle free is not the road we want to be on? What do we do when, in our heart, we know we want to be on a different road, but each attempt leaves us derailed in more bold and more obvious ways?

I want so much to be free to exist on the present road, surrender to the obstacles, honor the value of the other direction. But it's hard. This road is not what I dreamed for myself. It's not how I thought my life would be. It’s not what my heart craves. 

It makes me wonder: perhaps the weight that feels too much to carry, is not from the obstacles, but from the fight, my fight, to be on the road I want to be on, instead of the road on which I'm meant to be.

Listen: Stuart Murdoch, Another Saturday

acf 11/2011

a collection

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali are a book of short teachings (sutra means thread) that, when read together, provide the way of practice for a yogi. I was once told that the Sutras were written for the yogi in ancient times (approx. 2000 years ago) who left society to live and meditate and reach liberation (ending the cycle of rebirth). Today, it is studied even by those of us who want to live in society, but are looking for more meaning in our yoga practice. Some of the sutras are tangible and apply to everyday life, kind of like the Christian Ten Commandments, and some are really wacky and exciting (like attaining the strength of elephants, levitating, or becoming invisible). Book 1, Sutra 14 is one of my favorite and I think everyone, no matter what your "practice" is (prayer, running, painting, taking long walks, loving your family), can relate to. It says: 

 Practice becomes firmly grounded

 when well attended to for a long time,

 without break 

and in all earnestness.  

In one translation of The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the translator and commentator, Sri Swami Satchidananda, tells a story from Hindu scriptures. 

There was this great maharishi named Narada, who traveled around to see how earth bound yogi’s were doing. As he was on his way to Heaven for a visit to Lord Shiva, he came across a yoga student who had been meditating for so long, ants had built an anthill around him. 

The Yogi asked Narada where he was going. When Narada told him he was on his way to Heaven to visit Lord Shiva, the Yogi asked him to inquire about how many more lifetimes he would have to spend meditating before becoming liberated. Narada agreed to do this. 

Next, Narada saw another man. This man was not meditating; he was dancing and singing to Krishna with pure joy. He, too, asked Narada to inquire about how many more lifetimes he would have to sing and dance for Krishna before reaching liberation. Narada agreed to do this, also. 

Many years passed before Narada returned. He found the meditating Yogi first and told him Shiva’s reply. Shiva said the Yogi must take four more births before liberation. The Yogi was exasperated! “FOUR MORE”, he exclaimed! “Haven’t I waited long enough?!”

Next, Narada found the singing and dancing man. He told him that Shiva gave him a reply. 

“Do you see that tree there? Can you count the leaves on it?”

“Sure”, said the man. “I have the patience to do that. Shall I do it right away?”

“No”, Narada replied. “Take your time. Lord Shiva said you will have as many births as the number of leaves on that tree”. 

“Oh!”, said the man. “Is that all?! One tree? At least he didn’t say the whole forest!”

Just then, a messenger from Shiva came. Shiva was ready for the man now. 

“You were ready and willing to wait and work and take many more births. If you are ready and willing to do that, why should you have to wait?”

I want to think that Satchidananda tells this story to tell us that, instead of sitting around meditating all the time, we should sing and dance all the time to reach liberation faster.  (This would be SO much more fun!)  But I know this is not what he means. I know he means to tell us that if we are willing to be dedicated and committed to our practice, any practice, we can attain what we desire sooner than we think. 

He says:

If you are that patient, your mind is more settled, and what you do will be more perfect. If you are unsettled and anxious to get the result, you are already disturbed; nothing done with that disturbed mind will have quality. So, it is not only how long you practice, but with what patience, what earnestness and what quality also.

***

I’ve always been a destination over journey kind of person. More product over process. I’m not one to take a wandering stroll. I need to know that I’ll stop at the cute little cafe 10 blocks away. I’ll sit at my favorite corner table, read a few chapters while I’m there so I can finish this book and get on to the next one. I’ll get a cappuccino and a cookie. And I’ll probably walk there as fast as I can and forget to look around. This is the kind of journey I go on- the kind that I know for sure will end with a cappuccino and cookie. 

I do the same thing with knowledge. I have a dear friend who, when things are challenging me for, always says “it’s all information Amy. That irritation with your colleague? Just information. That broken heart? Just information. Your endless struggle with marichyasana D? Just information.”  Just like the Yogi in the Hindu scripture, I am always left exasperated, thinking OK, great, it’s information. Now, what does it MEAN and what do I DO with it?

When people ask me why I practice yoga, my answer often changes. I vary it based on who is asking. Sometimes I answer that it is about staying healthy. Sometimes I answer that it is about spiritual understanding. Sometimes I answer that it is about grace or beauty or just simple pleasure. But the truth is, I don’t know why.  

With asana, there is no clear destination. No final product. Just when I thought I had gotten bhujapidasana, Barbara told me to put my head on the floor.  Just when I thought I had a totally solid tadasana, a teacher told me to lift my butt off my thighs and “give it a home of its own”. Likewise, just when I thought I’d never be able to hold my headstand, there I was one day, upside down. 

I don’t know exactly why I’ve committed to a yoga practice. I only know that I get on my mat and work as hard as each day will allow me.  I go through each practice, as if counting the leaves on the trees. Collecting moments. Collecting breaths. Collecting information and waiting, patiently and earnestly, for it to make sense. 

a human. being.

It's the morning sunlight, green through curtains Gets me every time Wondering how it still comes through Should be dark but I always think of you Awake too early, sometimes late But lately I feel warm, and right You have been here, as I wished Warmth tells me, it's time to finish A very human feeling As I am A very human, being Amy tells me  She's practiced  Moves like wind in May As graceful and more She knows her story has just begun But now, in her way A very human feeling As she  A very human, being The anger of siblings  The shared pinging loss It eats you like water to rust It eats you until you remember In a human feeling In a very human way We are all very human beings And we will finish this day A very human feeling A very human, just being written by Christopher Howard Faust, my bro 10.2011

Saluting the Sun

Inhale arms up, exhale fold forward. Inhale flat back, exhale chaturanga. Inhale upward facing dog. Exhale downward facing dog. Inhale one. Exhale. Inhale two. Exhale. Inhale three. Exhale. Inhale four. Exhale. Inhale five. Exhale. Inhale hop forward. Exhale fold. Inhale arms up. Exhale samasthiti.

This is often the dialogue in my brain. Or, mantra, really. I didn't actually decide to use surya namaskar A (sun salutation A) as a mantra. It happened quite by accident. In my first yoga teacher training, I was struggling to lead surya namaskar.  Even though I had done hundreds of them, even though my limbs and muscles knew exactly what to do without my thinking, my mind and my mouth couldn't keep things straight. I just couldn't remember the steps. My teacher suggested I write a script, with simple and clear language, memorize it and recite it over and over until the words became automatic. I did this gratefully; I was tired of feeling embarrassed from stumbling over my words when I led surya namaskars.  And it worked. You can ask me on a dime to recite surya namaskar A or B and I won't even have to shift brain patterns; it's become that innate.

But something else happened, too.   All of a sudden, I found myself practicing surya namaskar everywhere I went. Walking around the city. Riding the subway. In bed at night. In the shower. Even sometimes in meetings at work. Not physically practicing, of course (although I won't deny having the urge now and then to bust out a sun sal on the subway platform). No, this practice is different, even more powerful, in some ways, than the physical practice. To understand this, let me first offer some context.

Surya namaskars open the ashtanga practice. In most vinyasa classes, one will complete some form of surya namaskar. They warm the muscles, set the rhythm, explicitly attach breath to movement. They are devotional (bowing to the Sun Gods) and encourage humility before entering the more advanced poses. Traditionally, they are practiced facing east, as the sun is rising.  

Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, the Indian yoga teacher who brought us the ashtanga practice, writes beautifully about surya namaskars in his book Yoga Mala (originally published in 1962, in English in 1999).

The practice of the surya namaskara, or sun salutations, has come down to us from the long distant past, and is capable of rendering human life heavenly and blissful. By means of it, people can become joyous, experience happiness and contentment, and avoid succumbing to old age and death.

As scriptural authority confirms, “The Self cannot be gained by one devoid of strength.” With strengthened bodies, sense organs, and minds, [people] would become healthy and righteous, live long and intellectual lives, and be able to attain eternal liberation.

[People] knew the blessings of the Sun God are essential to good health. If we reflect on the saying “Arogyam bhaskarad icchet (One should desire health from the sun),” it is clear that those blessed by the Sun God live healthy lives. Therefore, for health- the greatest wealth of all- to be attained, the blessings of the Sun God must be sought (p. 34-35). 

What I love most about Sri K. Pattabhi Jois’s words is the assertion that strengthening the body is necessary in order to strengthen the mind. One cannot happen without the other. In fact, I remember learning that the asana (physical pose) practice of modern yoga was introduced as a way to connect the body, the mind, and the Self (feel free to substitute soul or inner consciousness or another name here). One cannot exist without the other. One cannot advance or reach liberation or be joyous when the others are not. It is why exercise is not selfish. 

The connecting thread between the body, mind, and Self is the breath. In the ashtanga (and subsequently vinyasa) yoga practice, each movement is attached to either an inhale or an exhale. It's often said "without the breath, yoga is simply acrobatics". The special thing about surya namaskars is the clear opportunity they provide to create a connection with breath. It is not the repetition of words in my mind that is so powerful (although they alone, I find quite soothing, like an old friend); it is the breath. The distinct inhale and exhale. The purposeful filling and emptying of my lungs. The effect is slowing, calming, grounding. We breath all day and all night. Yoga practice makes us think about it. Surya namaskars make us mean it. 

Here you will find a brief (and less than professional) video. I am leading you through surya namaskar A, in three variations. The first two times are the most basic and are meant for beginners. The next two are more intermediate and the final two are traditional (thus for a more advanced practice). Watch them. Try them. Practice them. Say them out loud. Say them in your head. Do all as basic. Do all as advanced. Make your practice your own.  

(NOTE: Traditionally, surya namaskars are practiced 5 times in a row. There are 6 here, so that you can see two of each variation. On your own, I suggest doing groups of 5.) 

Don't forget to breathe!

VIDEO: surya namaskar a

untitled

stories of new babies and recent deaths feel exactly the same

the beginning of the end

the end of the beginning

the beginning in the end

the end in the beginning

the beginning is the end

the end is the beginning

in between, 

trees blur and eyes close and time passing is ignored and remembered. 

dreams caught (4)

i don’t welcome you

unheld

released to the unwanting

go back, please

stay caught.

happy birthday

the dawn of another year

delivers itself

wrapped in a package 

of quantitative measurement,

a specific set of decades

(three and one half, to be exact)

an undeniable doorway into a very new place

the sign overhead blinks “enter at your own risk”,

which is a laughable joke

because you have no choice,

you have to enter despite the risk.

it’s the only door there is.

and there you are, 

on the other side.

i’m there already 

and i see you  

in your slightly ill-fitting 

but somehow perfect

brown suit

leaning away from your table

legs wide apart

one arm draped over the top of an empty chair,

a proud statement about the collection of time.

maybe the chair’s occupant has disappeared from this room

and into another

twisting her curls

glossing her lips

making sure she matches your beauty.

you’ve thoughtfully placed your arm on the chair’s back

so she knows, when she returns

that she has a place beside you to belong.

maybe there is no she, 

no chair’s occupant,

and you drape your arm just so

to reserve a place in the world, in your life,

for something else. 

something else that you want to belong.

either way, 

there you are.

and i see you. 

the beautiful gold of your eyes 

seduces more completely than you realize.

the ghosts of Parisian past

can’t help but find you

can’t help but crave your company and affection.

and you see them.

every writer and artist and thinker

has found their way to you 

in your brown suit 

on your three- and- one- half- decades day.

a staggering beauty sits down in your empty chair

she wants to remind you that life is to be had, 

even though she can’t see hers yet. 

you do, though,

and you see her as she really exists,

sensual and still,

yet devoid of what it is you most crave.

but today

it doesn’t matter

today is a day of measurement 

a day of entering at your own risk

and you accept that,

with a playful smile

and a happy heart.

***

I dreamt this for you before your departure

because this is what i wanted to give you

this is how i wanted to see you, 

and now 

this is how i will remember you

in your slightly ill-fitting brown suit 

with your arm draped across an empty chair 

reserving a space for whatever is missing. 

acf

dreams caught (2)

i love when vampires visit me.

don’t get excited (or horrified)-

the visits are embarrassingly rated PG.

they simply sit with me.

i enjoy their company because

worrying about one soul

is work enough.

acf

9.18.11

dreams caught (1)

last night i dreamt of you

the way the cuff of your pants rests at your ankle,

brushing the top of your shoe

just a few millimeters too high.

I wonder, but can’t ask, if you can feel that. 

acf

9.16.11

in 10 years

in 10 years,

i’ve had my heart broken 3 times, dented a 4th and 5th

i’ve lived in 4 apartments, in 2 states

with 7 different roommates

i’ve studied 3 kinds of spiritual practice

been in the presence of The Dalai Lama twice

and followed the advice of 1 spiritual psychic

i’ve voted in 2 presidential elections

and elected the winning candidate 1 time

i’ve celebrated 1 birthday with a date

9 without

10 in the company of good friends

i’ve survived all 10 holiday seasons alone

and kissed 3 men on new years eve-

two of whom were strangers

i’ve worked in 4 different schools

been promoted 3 times 

and almost tripled my yearly income

i’ve gone through 2 yoga teacher trainings

and earned 1 Masters degree

i’ve become an aunt twice

i’ve married 1 couple

i’ve traveled outside of the country 1 time

inside the country 5 or 6

i’ve broken 0 bones

but did herniate 1 disk

i’ve spent approximately $120,000 on rent

but have still managed to build a shoe collection numbering near 30 pairs, 

i regularly wear about 12 of them

and have never worn 2

i’ve lost 15 pounds, dropped 2 clothing sizes, and 1 bra size

i’ve had 5 different hairstyles

and 3 different hairstylists

i’ve had 0 valentines

0 kisses under mistletoe

0 romantic weekends away

0 love letters

0 hugs at the door at the end of the day

0 dates to my own parties

i’ve gotten 6 tattoos

planted 6 gardens

and received flowers from a lover 1 time

i’ve taught about 150 kids

read 100’s of books

but can only remember about 20 of them

i’ve ridden the NYC subway system more than 3,000 times

have had at least 4,000 cups of coffee

and probably just as many beers

i’ve had 3 email addresses

been on 5 dating websites

met 2 men i liked on them

0 turned into anything worth mentioning

i’ve been to 2 therapists

who taught me nothing about myself

i’ve spent well over 117,000 minutes in yoga poses

completed about 10,000 sun salutations

1,000 headstands

4,000 heart openers

and millions of ujjayi breaths

i’ve dropped the f-bomb over 11,000 times

and regretted it just twice

i’ve been in love 4 times

was loved back only once

and twice turned down possible love to protect someone else 

i’ve seen every female friend i have, except 2, coupled off

i’ve had 2 friends elope

counseled 2 friends to leave their husbands

witnessed 0 friends get divorced

i’ve been joyous at the birth of 10 babies

i’ve grieved the death of 1 grandparent

1 family dog

and countless dreams

i’ve aged 10 years

look 10 years younger than i am

and don’t know how many years i feel

acf

9.11.11